Home : Cricket : Latest News : Soapbox

April showers means English cricket

2012-04-23 09:03:10

Despite the inevitable rise of professionalism in this sporting world of analysts, shrinks and personal trainers, there is something still very droll about the English cricket season and its array of characters

Here are some things to look out for this year:

. Kent’s Robert Key looking as if he diverted to the tuck shop before getting to the cricket studio.

. The marketing team at Lord’s dragging the MCC into the 21st century with some very “trendy” advertising for the masses. Remember, a day out at cricket’s most famous ground is about “quality time with your mates”. Ugh.  John Arlott would be turning in his grave.

. Bob Willis looking and sounding unexcited and unmoved by anything on and off the field.

. A reminder of all those dearly departed from the international scene - from Paul Collingwood to Simon Katich to, eh, Gareth Batty. 

. English batsmen licking their lips about boosting their 40 plus averages which took a dent on those rather unfair pitches they prepare in the Subcontinent.  The West Indies or South Africans are not exactly armed with mystery spinners either.

. Stuart Broad breaking down with another injury and immediately going on to Twitter to start his rehabilitation process.

. His career in golf broadcasting ruined after an embarrassing interview with Tiger Woods at the Masters, Michael Vaughan to amuse us all (not) with his thoughts on Test Match Special. Perhaps a bit of introspection is due at the BBC on why former England cricket captains with no broadcasting skills let alone golfing knowledge are being employed at Augusta.

. A county or two to be fined for preparing a dodgy pitch after 23 wickets fall in one day. Funny how that never happens to a groundsmen after a two day Test match.

. Andrew Flintoff to make another programme after his Freddie Versus the World Series and exploits for Sport Relief. It is called: “Freddie Desperate to Do Something in the Limelight.” It will involve breaking another series of world records, such as a head to head curry eating contest with new England all-rounder Samit Patel.

. Andrew Strauss to migrate to Somerset for a bit of batting practice ahead of the Test matches only to realise that he’s just been sacked as England captain.

. Somerset to prepare their bridesmaid kit in April for later in the season when they lose at the final hurdle in all three competitions.

. Monty Panesar is sent back to Sussex to improve his fielding. He circles a skyer at Hove but ends up three foot over the boundary rope while the ball lands at long on.

. Having written books on baseball and luck, the follically challenged Ed Smith turns to his next project: “The Vanity of Cricketers Who Advertise Hair Regrowth.”

Tim Ellis